Starting over...

I'm still jaded. But I'm showing it less lately. Still, I yearn to feel the enthusiasm and interest in life I felt when I first got into semester one in university. Now, I'm in semester five and I'm a physical and mental wreck.

So many things have changed in two and a half years. Ideologies, family, plans, emotions... the list is endless. Many things have happened that I wished that didn't happen, although I don't regret it happening because I don't believe in regretting. That's at least one thing I know that I still believe in.

I was/am shattered in many different pieces but moving on has left me feeling like my former self fractured and duct taped together. I'm missing parts of myself here and there. I now feel as if I'm just drifting. Drifting like a hollow shell, going along with everything, while I continue to search for something to hold on to, so that I wouldn't get washed away; lost.

I am just kept above water by bits and pieces of what I still remember, what was (and still is) something close to me, what's left of them.

The rollercoaster of life has been down for so long, that I'm wondering if the tracks will continue to ride straight down to the end, making this life the ultimate anti-climax of all. Small highs in the ride were cruelly short-lived, only to plunge back down even before my eyes could see the sky.

The monotony of everything is strangling me. It's killing me, with pain. My eyes are blurring. I've lost trust and dedication to what I used to blindly know and do without question, thinking it was the best for me. My guts have been telling me that something new will come up to save my sanity. Only something new will pour back some much-needed enthusiasm into my mind. But it will risk what's left of everything else I have. It will change my future. But it can destroy or build me.

Now I ask myself, should I wash away, or take a big risk to kill the monotony? The answer is clear, it's a big risk, but I've got nothing much to lose...