The Tourist Prayer
My mother was looking through some old stuff and came upon an old photocopy of a newspaper clipping given to her by my uncle who lives in Texas. I looked at the article, undated, and it looked like it was about 10 years old.
It's a Dear Abby-type column, with 'Abby' being a woman named Ann Landers. A reader sent Ann Landers a 'Tourist Prayer' and asked who the author was. Landers answered that it is none other than Art Buchwald, and shared the prayer with other readers. Here it is, it's hilarious!
The Tourist Prayer
Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble, obedient tourist servants who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech you, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.
Protect us from unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.
Give us divine guidance in the selection of hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, rooms made up, and hot water running from the faucets.
We pray that the telephones work, the operators speak our tongue, and that there is no mail waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of the meal.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for under-tipping out of ignorance and over-tipping out of fear.
Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and the castles listed as musts in the guidebooks.
And if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
HUSBANDS: Dear God, keep our wives from reckless shopping and protect them from "bargains" they don't need and can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.
WIVES: Almighty God, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
ALL TOGETHER: And when our voyage is over, and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favor of finding someone who will look at our home movies and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.
This we ask you in the name of Conrad Hilton and American Express.
AMEN.
It's a Dear Abby-type column, with 'Abby' being a woman named Ann Landers. A reader sent Ann Landers a 'Tourist Prayer' and asked who the author was. Landers answered that it is none other than Art Buchwald, and shared the prayer with other readers. Here it is, it's hilarious!
The Tourist Prayer
Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble, obedient tourist servants who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech you, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.
Protect us from unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.
Give us divine guidance in the selection of hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, rooms made up, and hot water running from the faucets.
We pray that the telephones work, the operators speak our tongue, and that there is no mail waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of the meal.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for under-tipping out of ignorance and over-tipping out of fear.
Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and the castles listed as musts in the guidebooks.
And if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
HUSBANDS: Dear God, keep our wives from reckless shopping and protect them from "bargains" they don't need and can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.
WIVES: Almighty God, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
ALL TOGETHER: And when our voyage is over, and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favor of finding someone who will look at our home movies and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.
This we ask you in the name of Conrad Hilton and American Express.
AMEN.
Chewed out by Mystery Wolf at 9:36 PM
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